Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO