3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.