Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few