A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket