Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
fly smarter, not harder
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.