Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
the council will decide your fate
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Catercrombie & Fish
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.