If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same