You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
the best thing i’ve ever made
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Wordle 241 1/6
馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room鈥檚 lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pok茅mon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life