I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.