Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I finally found a reason to live again.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.