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and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The funk soul brother
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though