I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”