I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
You Might Also Like
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked