i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Dolls on drugs
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.