Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
nice challenge
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”