What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this