I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]