I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.