Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You Might Also Like
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.