If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.