Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college