[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
relationship goals
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
won’t smith
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?