“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
You Might Also Like
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
This story is comedy gold 😂
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won