Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*orders delivery*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.