Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.