The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You Might Also Like
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!