Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
You Might Also Like
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Social Media and Real life
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.