I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
felt that