[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
How it started: How it’s going:
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM