Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
drew a comic about my origin story
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No