him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Every photo I’m tagged in
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.