recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good