Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.