Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Just why bro?!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.