Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.