my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain