‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭