Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.