A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
no such thing as a dumb question
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?