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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*limbos under the caution tape
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*