The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
being a writer on Twitter:
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.