My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park đ
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say âIâm trying to use self-controlâ people always respond back with âNo! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!â *laughing hard*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and youâre a tennis umpire
me: thatâs right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests âHarry Potterâ and âmindfulnessâ
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
if babies âfix everythingâ then why canât they hold power tools
ME [opening a card from the boss that says âget better soonâ]: but iâm not sick, sir
BOSS: no, youâre just
terrible at this job
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Do you like vampires?
đ© Nosferatu
â Yesferatu
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old