Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
*sewing*
A thread
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”