“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
You Might Also Like
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
This is me
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*