If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
There are no pants in heaven.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running