You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING