Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Cat is stressing him out.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple