Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
With this onion ring, I thee fed
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline