My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Grandmother clock.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.