In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.